November 11, 2009

There Is A Season...

Something has changed..I'm just not sure what it is. I hate this feeling of being lost, unsure, untrusting. I just can't put my finger right on it, but it's there, lurking.

I think that he's infatuated with a girl at work. She's everything I'm not.. super beautiful, skinny, adventurous. I jokingly mentioned this a few weeks ago, and while he laughed it off, for just one split second, he has this look on his face. The look that's reserved for the person you love, that look of love and wonder and longing.

Yesterday she called him while I was in the car.. Maybe I'm paranoid..

This is how it went:

He answers "This is J"
She said something (couldn't quite hear it)
He said "Hi G"
She said "Hey there stranger" and started to say something else, but he cut her off by saying "Are you calling about such and such account, I meant to text you about it, but I got busy" and she paused and said "Uh, yeah, that's why I was calling", then he said "Yeah, I got it taken care of and they're happy" and then they said bye.

I am a nosy wife, or at least, I've become one since getting this feeling. Since she calls from the office and all calls from there show up the same, I can't tell you how often they talk..but when she calls from her cell, they usually talk for several minutes. The fact that it was only 45 seconds and just seemed..off.. I don't know, like I said, maybe I'm paranoid. But, I just get this feeling and I can't shake it.

I tried talking to him about it, but he jokes about it "why would I trade you in, when I already have you trained".. silly stuff like that, but nothing serious.

It used to be that we'd talk several times throughout the day. I understand he's busier now that they've fired the only other person in his dept...but he barely talks to me at all and rarely calls. He blew up at me because I asked him an important question and when he didn't respond in 25 min, I asked again. He said I didn't give him long enough and that he was busy. So, I've been trying to give him more time to respond, but it seems like its longer and longer between. Today, I tried talking to him around 11, I got a one word response. Then I tried again at 1 and an hour and a half, got another one word response. I've tried one last time, but haven't gotten anything in over two hours. Is that not long enough?

I just don't know anymore. I hate feeling paranoid. I hate feeling like I can't trust him. I sometimes just want to give up and let go so that I don't get hurt.. but that's not the way to live. I just don't know....

ameliorating at 4:16 p.m.

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We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned,


so as to have the life that is waiting for us. ~ joseph campbell