August 03, 2009

Its Never Too Late..

Its been too long.. so much has been going on, its hard to find a moment to stop and just breathe.

I've had a few entries that I've needed to write, but something has stopped me. Since there is so much, maybe we can break it down into chunks, lets try!

Things that have kept me busy:

* Volunteering and fostering - I've written about this a few times.. but I really love it and I've made some awesome friends in the process. When you read those advice columns that say to take a class or get involved if you want to find friends/a significant other, they are spot on! We've spent many many nights talking, playing games, drinking, eating dinner, having a lot of fun.. I'm just grateful. We're now fostering a kitten that is supposed to go to her new home tonight. She's the 4th batch of kittens we've fostered lately - I'm kittened out! She'll be the last for a little bit.. which brings me to why -

* We've taken the plunge. We put an offer on a new house. The offer was accepted and our inspection is this Saturday. After that, the appraisal and closing in September. Its exciting and scary to say the least. This house is costing us almost 2.5x as much as the house we're living in now. Its a nicer, newer house in a great neighborhood. It doesn't need much work (only cosmetic changes.. so lots of fun decorating for me!!) and it has a great 3 season porch and beautiful backyard that will be awesome for entertaining! I'm hoping that everything goes smoothly.. knock on wood! So far, so good! Now for the really scary stuff...

* My primary care physician saved my life. Really. I started going to her for other reasons, which I honestly don't want to talk about here (nothing bad or gross, just something private). Anyway, instead of focusing on what I wanted her to focus on, she starts off on a tangent. I got really frustrated but decided to take her advice and go ahead with the referral to an OB/GYN. Thinking I didn't need any help and my regular Pap was just fine, it was a waste of money in my eyes. Boy, was I wrong!

The OB/GYN decided on our first visit to do a biopsy of my uterine lining. Talk about pain, ooh.. but, I'm glad she did. The results:
Complex Hyperplasia With Atypia. Go ahead and Google.. I'll wait..

Big long scary sounding thing that basically means (and as she put it) "If its not uterine cancer, its as close as you can get." I'm 27. She said she had never seen this in anyone under 50. She told me that if I didn't want kids or had already had them, it was an automatic hysterectomy. Funny when you walk into an appointment thinking she's going to prescribe a new birth control and you get hit with the big C word.

Without even getting to talk to my husband, I scheduled surgery for 5 days later. Thankfully not for a hysterectomy. They did a D&C and some other long word to "dust and clean" as she put it. It wasn't terrible, but I hate being put to sleep. My throat was sore and I had the worst dry mouth for a week afterwards. Now she has me on some serious hormones that are making me really biotchy and tired and drained all the time. I have to do this for 3 months and then go back for another D&C to see if the medicine will make the hyperplasia revert.

There is still a 30%+ chance of it turning into cancer. I'm not out of the woods yet, but I'm hopeful. When they do the D&C in October, if it's not reverted or doesn't look any better.. well, I will have to have a hysterectomy. Talk about eye opening. We've always said we'd have a kid in 5 years.. a few years ago, 27 was our magic number.. it has since been changed to 32, but now I'm looking at never as a possibility.

We have talked before about remaining childless and we were not for or against it.. we just hadn't decided. I'm still not 100% sure that I want a kid. There are so many people out there that truly want babies. I have a good DL friend that is one of them. I read her diary and I'm praying that she and her husband are blessed with a little one, but I don't have her burning desire. It seems like the more I try to envision a child, the further it seems from me. I don't know if its maybe because we've been married so long and its just been the two of us for so long or what. I do want a child, our child.. but I'm not sure if we'll ever travel that road.

I know that when most people are faced with news like this something awakens in them, something inside jumps up and roars out. When faced with death, you see people fufilling their "bucket list". You'd think that when faced with the possible death of my uterus, that something would click. Something would shout "Hey, you.. this is real, this is the TIME TO DECIDE.. YES or NO?".

But all I hear is silence.

ameliorating at 2:03 p.m.

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We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned,


so as to have the life that is waiting for us. ~ joseph campbell